Thursday, August 11, 2016

Pre-Birthday Reflections, Done with 1/4 of my Life.

25 soon. And 1/4 of my Life is done, just like that, in a blink.

Reflecting on my life, I've learn to be honest and have belief in someone till they overstep their boundaries. Bullshitters are everywhere and I might even be one of them to some people, but I have learn to "/ignore" and carry on with life

However to carry on, I have to find a purpose in life, which i lost 9 years ago. In poly, it was depressing as fk. Perhaps a structured life is what fits me best, as the freedom which poly granted me was misused. I spent lots of hours gaming, trying to reduce the overwhelming sadness i felt in life. In some sense it worked, I had fun for certain assignments and my fencing lessons. But in general, i felt miserable. That is till National Service, where the structured life comes in again and i do not have time to think so much during Tekong.

Tekong was fun as fk. Tiring yes, but fun. When exercising no longer counts as torture, having a general fitness level across the company qualifies everyone to do things together. Something like the 21km Route March is memorable with lots of Songs and the occasional chio bu-s during the East Coast Park stretch. Next was the overseas trip to Germany, first time experiencing the cold weather. Below freezing temperatures, the impact of the Bionix and Tank cannons, and of course the RnR made it enjoyable. Cant wait to visit another European country. Of course, there's the part where I have to make some decisions as a spec. Being in a position to fk some people, I never learn to do so. Since National Cadet Corp days, I left the discipline to people who have the heart to do so. Only if it is absolutely necessary, that I will do it. Thus my men are more of my friends instead of a colleague, looking forward to the In Camp Trainings.

Then, there is work.
Going Ham and trying Sales as a first job after 2 months of not talking to anyone is hard. Real Hard, spent 2 months doubting myself, yet it was positive gain in my opinion as I had fun knowing i can struggle that long just to make a sale officially. I know with sufficient freedom to choose my strengths and enough prep time, I am able to do high energy events for at least month, living like an extrovert. Just tired as fk and out of energy by the time i am done with whatever i needed to do.
Razer was a different matter. Pactera has a very Asian work culture, where the Testers are mostly half dead. Be it management or Razer Engineers, i do not know. Couldn't handle the stuffiness and general lifelessness of the office. But it had its moments when everyone was gaming after a hard day at work, the interns from Uni who made life just a little enjoyable and the friends i made.
Currently, at NEA, it kinda fits what I am looking for as a job, being able to contribute to the health of the residents of Kovan and walking around perspiring while having a goal in mind to find at least a breeding a day. I am really considering taking up a Landscaping job if NEA doesnt extend my contract with a decent salary. Unless there's an offer with a cubical to block all the noise in an office environment, I will generally prefer an outdoor job.

Finally, having a vision to create games and releasing it on Steam. Sounds ridiculous as my grades were just a close Pass, but its something itching me to continue until i achieve it. It's real hard though, having finished 2 full Youtube tutorials, it doesnt feel worthy of release. It's a Goal that I've set and intend to finish as long as it takes.

Feels like that's my life, Struggle as much as I can, eventually I will get somewhere even if its not what I want. I am not Lucky, so I should make it up with by being Persistent.

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