50 Psychology Classics part 1

What we think we lack determines what we will become in life.
“a thousand talents and capabilities arise from our feelings of
inadequacy,”
“Character” is the unique interplay between two opposing forces: a need for power, or personal aggrandizement; and a need for “social feeling” and togetherness
Life becomes about the mark they will leave on the
world and what others think of them.
Really great things that serve humanity are not
spurred into existence by vanity, but by its opposite, social feeling.

De Becker suggests that there is a “universal code
of violence” that most of us can automatically sense, yet modern life often has
the effect of deadening our sensitivity. We either don’t see the signals at all or
we won’t admit them.
In
his work, de Becker does not have the luxury of making distinctions like
“human” and “monster.” Instead, he looks for whether a person may have the
intent or ability to harm. He concludes, “the resource of violence is in everyone;
all that changes is our view of the justification.”

Why do people commit violence? De Becker boils it down to four elements:
Justification
Alternatives
Consequences
Ability

The features of predatory criminals usually include:
recklessness and bravado;
single-mindedness;
not being shocked at things that would appall other people;
being weirdly calm in conflict;
the need to be in control.

They may studiously model normality so that they can at first
appear to be “regular guys.” Warning signals include:
They’re too nice.
They talk too much and give us unnecessary details to distract us.
They approach us, never the other way around.
They typecast us or mildly insult us, in order to have us respond and engage
with them.
They use the technique of “forced teaming,” using the word “we” to make
them and their victim seem like they are all in the same boat.
They find a way to help us so we feel in their debt (called “loan sharking”).
They ignore or discount our “no.” Never let someone talk you out of a refusal,
because then they know they are in charge.

People play games as a substitute for real intimacy, and every game, however
unpleasant, has a particular payoff for one or both players.
become a substitute for genuine contact.

Berne came to the view that within each person are three selves or “ego states” that often contradict each other. They are characterized by:
the attitudes and thinking of a parental figure (Parent);
the adult-like rationality, objectivity, and acceptance of the truth (Adult);
the stances and fixations of a child (Child).

Many people feel the need to get into fights with those closest to
them or intrigues with their friends in order to stay interested.