Definitely been some time since i updated, but i was feeling messed up since Sundown Marathon. Wanting the timing of 5hrs 30mins, i pushed myself to train harder and further than previous Sundowns. Instead, I performed the lousiest of all timings. Not sure what went wrong but I am certain that I was feeling fatigued and over anxious from training. Even if I completed two 21km trial runs, i wasn't feeling good about it. Arriving late, i was overly stressed as well... Guess the combination of everything pulled me down. At least I finished it, even when i am not in peak condition. I only stopped to rest once, which is an achievement in itself as I rested multiple times on my first run. I am thinking of reducing it to 21km next Sundown I run.

Not sure what to feel now after finishing contract with NEA. Liked the Job but not able to continue. Then joined SATs but the schedule and work environment is real shitty. Couldn't take it and since late June has been unemployed.

I do not know how I can fit in this society.

Maybe that's why I am stuck in the fantasy i built in my head.

At least, having been accepted by SUSS made me happy and that I can achieve something again. Psychology is something that I always wanted to study, since I think logically about people. Maybe I am too logical thus is shitty in relationships.

Something I learned today and thus wanted to record my thoughts.
I definitely feel like a Attachment Avoidant. I fall hard and fast for someone but it dissipates cause I do not know what to do with it and want to avoid intimacy. I feel sorry for Anna and my best friend Jason. That's who I am. Hard and Fast but it dissipates and fades to something while I try to get myself back together. I need too much time alone yet I need someone with me too.
Being alone with someone.

Now awaiting Nasal Operation, probably can only start work again after October... Wonder how my employers will react...

Its been a while.
After having conflicting thoughts of wanting and not wanting to see her, i am 75% sure i bypass her just now. As we walked by each other, looking into each others eyes as if asking are you that person? i noticed the same slight scowl she wore early in the mornings, even if those red lips masked that scowl.

I think i am satisfied that we just looked into each other's eyes, same as before. That moment when i got the chills, i am confident it's her, kinda.
I truly wonder if that's god way of telling me i am on the right path. That little incentive to urge me on to do better. I still think about her, but accepting its history and the fact that next i hear about her will probably be about her marriage. Ive been dumb and directed my anger towards her during poly days. Now i just wish her all the best.

Just need to find an officially recognized school that teaches that subject.